When I was in my teens, I literally learned about sex by gobbling massive, towering stacks of Harlequin Historicals, the more bodice-rippy the better. In my twenties, I went through a period where i read everything from Henry Miller (filthy sonofabitch) and Anne Rice (kinky, pretty things) to Literotica and CleanSheets.com.
Somewhere between reading erotica and writing it, something changed for me though. I started reading erotica more critically in my twenties because I was getting a Master’s Degree and I was reading everything more critically. I’m kind of a recreational thinker so that’s not the worst thing, except that the habit of reading critically cut the connection between erotica and my sex drive.
Almost as if to compensate, books that were not written as erotica were turning me on in super hot, unexpected ways. Angela Carter, Ian McEwan’s Atonement, Andahazi’s The Merciful Women, The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson…I’d be reading along and suddenly get slammed with a crazy, elemental need to get off. It wasn’t that the sex was better written, it was just contextually more specific.
Stick with me – I’m going somewhere with this and it has to do with that contextual specificity.
As I got older and more experienced, I understood my sexuality more. By then, I’d had all kinds of sex in all kinds of contexts and, as a result, what turned me on was changing. In other words, what grabbed my brainstem at 15 was doing it at 25. My buttons had gotten way more specific in those intervening 10 years, and that affected the way I read sex.
The point is that everyone’s sexuality is different, so everyone reads sex differently depending on what kind of experiences or curiosities you’re bringing to the table. That’s why there is no one “right” way to write sex, and no “right” way to read it. Sure, there’s bad sex writing, but there also bad sex in real life. That’s just part of the deal, whether you’re reading it or doing it.
The other issue is one of place in life. It’s why the sex you had in your boyfriend’s dorm was the hottest thing possible at 18, but why it might not get you off at 38. We read sex differently at different points in our lives because we experience sex differently at different points in our lives, and our needs and tastes tend to reflect that. The same principle goes for audio and visual porn. It even applies to the movies you are hot, (even if they’re awful…hi, Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I heart you).
It’s worth remembering all of this when you judge the value of a genre, (and genre, really). Whether or not you think they have literary value, erotica and romance serve a sexual and emotional purpose that exists beyond the standards of the Man Booker prize. It’s not an issue of the genre’s value, it’s one of the value it has to individual readers at any given time, and that value matters as much as literary merit. For some readers, it matters more.
9 thoughts on “On Reading Sex”
I think the first thing I read that enlightened my world was Anne MacCaffrey. Took a long time for me to shake shame about getting turned on though before I ventured out much. And then came the Internet which helped.
Briliiant post! As always thank you for being you. The world needs more like you.
As usual, your post is insightful and thoughtful. As an older woman, my tastes in both reading and writing erotica have changed a great deal. But what has remained constant is the fact that, at heart, I am a romantic. Erotic romance comes in for some criticism at times, but I have never pretended to be a literary writer. I just write stories that I hope will entertain people, as they do me when I write them. I know that some people don’t put much value on erotic romances, but that doesn’t worry me unduly. I am old enough and, I hope, wise enough to go my own way and do my own thing. I do, however, enjoy reading erotica from writers more talented in the art than I am, as well as the more thought-provoking pieces which don’t include happy endings, and perhaps one day I will make an attempt to write in a different genre and style. Thank you for your interesting post.
Thank you, Rachel. I feel like becoming wise enough to go your own way and do your own thing is one marker of a certain level of self-actualization, one that I hope to get closer to as I move into middle age. But I also like the other thing you said – that you enjoy reading pieces that push the boundaries of what you’re naturally drawn to as a reader. It strikes me that that’s a very good balance – one, in fact, that is worth aiming for.
It’s funny how you learn the clinical things about sex from sex education classes in school, parental things about sex when you have “the talk” with mom and/or dad, the ridiculous things when you talked about it with your teenage/college/grown-up friends, the airbrushed and unrealistic things from the media’s portrayals of sex, and then what you read about in literature.
Norma Klein’s YA books from the 80s were the first I read about sex – and probably the most realistic portrayals of them.
Oh, I remember Norma Klein’s books – I definitely read a few myself. I remember thinking they were very realistic because they portrayed comparatively complicated emotional situations, given the YA of the time. And you’re right – the various ways in which out views on sex and out own sexuality are pretty divergent. I think that may be one of the reasons coming into your own as a sexual adult can come as such a relief.
Wonderfully well said! Thank you for posting this gem.
And thank you for reading it – I really appreciate it!
Thank you 🙂